I GET KNOCKED DOWN...BUT I GET UP AGAIN

An amazing thing happened to me during worship service yesterday.

The Holy Spirit ministered to me...and not a soul had to lay hands on me, pray for me, shake me, stir me or push me to the floor. GOD JUST WANTED TO TALK TO ME! Fortunately, I was there to hear from Him!

"What did He say?" you ask? Well, before I go there, I want to offer this scripture for your meditation:
...for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity. Proverbs 24:16 NIV

I have made a lot of mistakes. BIG ONES. I have embarrassed myself, my family, my church. It has not been a seamless, charmed life for me. Most of that is my fault, as I tend to wander down paths I have no business being on in the first place.

My last post was about how we have to go through the process of inner healing-emotional and spiritual healing-because of the things we have been exposed to throughout our lives. I also talked about the reaction of "the church world" to the news of yet another "superstar" minister tripping up and losing his footing. The response of laypeople and leadership has been mixed. But that is just a broad perspective of a more individual situation.

What I want to address in this post are YOUR trip-ups and ventures down slippery slopes of compromise and trouble. (Mine, too...) Not the fact that they have happened, but the fact that we are all exposed to the scrutiny and the judgements of others, whether we want to be or not. This is not something that happens only to leaders and those whose faces grace the pages of Charisma and Ministry Today. Harsh judgements and harmful proclamations begin at a very young age for most of us. I haven't met many believers who haven't had to fight their way out of a morass of untruths and falsehoods that they have believed about themselves for years. Most of these "word curses" come from those closest to us. They often believe their criticism and cuts are good for us, will make us stronger, sharper, and generally better people.

THEY COULD NOT BE MORE MISTAKEN!

Let me begin where God began with me yesterday.

As I stood among those who had come forward for prayer, my goal wasn't anything specific. I had only come to receive whatever God had in store for me. (You should try that sometime...it's very enlightening...) I stood listening to the worship team singing, watching others as they wept and prayed- I simply waited. There was no bolt of lightning from the blue, but God had been whispering to me for a few minutes. Over and over I kept hearing Him say, "Pursue Your Passion!"

As the inner dialogue continued, I asked Him, "How can I do that? What do You mean? I am passionate about my son, Your son, writing, music, my relationships...what are You saying to me?" Again, all the more insistent, "Pursue Your Passion!" "How?" I asked again. "Don't worry about the 'how'. You let ME take care of that!" He answered. I stood quietly contemplating what the Holy Spirit had said. Then, suddenly, I heard something that struck me to the center of my being. I promise you, Beloved, I am not exaggerating. It hit something in me I didn't even know was there!

"Jennifer, you have NEVER been a disappointment to Me." I instantly knew the voice of My Father, God. He was touching a place in me, a wounded, scarred place whose time to heal had finally come. I broke. Tears began to flood my eyes and roll down my face and I felt like I couldn't breathe. How could He possibly say that, knowing all I had done and all I hadn't done!?! He continued, "Every time you have fallen, you have gotten back up, and you've always come back to me. How could I be disappointed in that?" His words were so gentle and so pointed...laser-accurate. "You have always felt you were such a disappointment to everyone around you, and you may have been to them. But you have NEVER been a disappointment to me. NEVER!"

I realized at that moment that the reason I had never pursued my passion, was simply because I was so afraid that I would disappoint everyone around me if I failed. I had played the "safe" card all my life! I never would have believed it, even if my best friend had told me that. But to hear my Father say those words, it was as if cobwebs were cleared out and someone opened a window in a dark, dank room! Light streamed in and I realized the fear of disappointing "them" again was more than I cared to deal with, more than I could handle. I had messed up soooo many times already! I didn't want to put them, or myself through it all again! And really, that was the crux of the issue: I had disappointed myself so much I no longer believed in what God had placed in me. I no longer believed in what He had created me to be, or in His plans for me. After you make so many stupid decisions, you tend to just give up on yourself. Nobody else has to do it, you do it to yourself! (Or at least I had!)

That was the hardest part of this to come to terms with; I had given up on me! I literally sobbed at the realization! The Holy Spirit then spoke to me something I believe we all need to hear.

The seeds of OUR PERSONAL PASSIONS were placed in us as children by our Heavenly Father. Through the years, they have been covered over by the debris and bad soil of the harsh words, judgements, criticisms and verbal onslaughts of people around us; especially those we are closest to, who live with us day in and day out!

As children, we are ill-equipped to filter out the untruths and the painful results of those words. In some cases, it wasn't what was said, it was what went unsaid! It was indifference and distance between us and those we loved and admired most. It wasn't necessarily WORDS, but also attitudes and actions pointed toward us! Those are difficult things to get over! We have to allow the Holy Spirit access to those places so that we can be 'deprogrammed' from the viral words and attitudes we've experienced and allow Abba to come in and reprogram us with words of LIFE and TRUTH!

There are some of you who have longed to do so much more for the Kingdom of God,yet you never feel "qualified". Beloved, Jesus Christ qualified you for Kingdom work when He died on Calvary. His blood is the only qualification you need to do whatever it is God birthed in you at that young age. Some of you know what I'm talking about. Others of you have so distanced yourselves from the pain of your youth you can hardly remember any of it. God has His own schedule. He will deal with your hurts and pains in a timely manner, but your part is to trust Him and ALLOW Him to do that. He's not going to come in and tear up Jack in your soul, Beloved! That is NOT His way, at all!

Remember, He is the Gentle Shepherd and He knows that sheep are skittish by nature. He will slowly pull the debris away from those seeds planted so long ago, gently cultivate and fertilize the soil of your heart and the tears you shed will water those dreams until they blossom into the beautiful thing He had in mind for you all along!

Those words will be with me for eternity, I'm sure. To hear Him say He is not disappointed in me trumps everything I have heard to the contrary. Because I am his sheep and I know His voice, I know He was telling me it's time to lay aside that particular excuse (which I didn't even know was there!). He needs me to pursue my passion. Apparently, He has need of it! WOW!

So what of the scripture I offered you?

We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, according to the Apostle Paul. The word 'falls' in this particular scripture means "to be knocked out" (like a boxer).
Lots of people have tried to knock us out, Beloved, but God is reaching out to you and to me saying, "Come on. You have to get back up and go at it again." He is there to coach us, to guide us and to teach us His ways. Even if we have been knocked out time after time, He never tires of helping us back up, if only we will reach for Him.

He is waiting for you. He needs you, Beloved. He needs us all. Know the truth about yourself through God's eyes. Ask Him to show you that. The best place to start is at the foot of Calvary's cross. You were worth the life of an innocent man. You were worth the time and energy of God's own son. Start there, let him reveal the rest to you.

You're gonna like what you see!

Jennifer Barnes
UPLIFT! Today Editor